Feeling better, still have a job...

So I guess I was a little out of it last week. I really did start thinking more deeply about the objects of my fascination and desire and feeling pretty awful about it. It was kind of kicked of by a really hateful and ignorant email I got, more fallout from the 'portrait of a pretender' article that completely ignored every point in the article and made me - and all DPW's - sound like a cross between hitler and NAMBLA. It was the exact kind of email I would expect from Tea Party members if Michelle Bachman were in a wheelchair. And before you ask - even in a wheelchair she would still make me vomit....

So where does that leave me? Still feeling pretty crummy, still keeping a low profile. I've gone through a lot of my pictures- well, the ones I have left since Flickr deleted my old profile - and I'm more or less going with pretenders and disabled models who are willing participants in their sexualization now for my masturbatory explorations... Oh, and casts, too. There is a lot more cast fetish, like real hard-core sexual cast fetish, than I realized.

Maybe it's a sign of maturity, maybe it's just me letting all the haters get to me, but if I see a candid pick of a smoking hot girl in a chair, it's not really doing as much for me now. Pretenders and others like Candi still do, however... in a big way.

Thanks to all who sent me nice and kind things, and I'm glad my little meltdown at least made for lively discussion. This isn't a condemnation of anyone out there, it's a personal realization only. Hope I haven't upset or disappointed anyone.

I'm a horrible person....

OK, I will preface this by saying I'm kinda drunk. Yeah, it's early afternoon, but I don't fucking care.

I was horny this morning and doing my usual YouTube scan for new para videos, I saw some nice stuff... A new channel with a decent pretender who is almost certainly a guy but I don't care, I want to be crippled, what do I care is he wants to be a chick... it's all good...

so I see this video a few have Favorited about a girl, former soccer player, SCI after a bad fall during a game. I was watching her transferring into her car, stuff like that, and feeling a bit turned on... then I started to really listen, and realized what a shitty ass horrible thing it is that she's paralyzed now. And I was kinda getting off on that. And then I realized how many videos and pics I've gotten off on that are of women who are genuinely hurt and have had their whole lives completely screwed, and I'm totally getting off on it, and I'm just feeling like a really horrible person today... And I'm kinda drunk... And I might be getting laid off...

Fuck it.

New Blog - So what's going on?

So a lot has happened since my appearance in New Mobility, and not all of it has been great. My Flickr account was closed due to anonymous complaints, I was discussed at length on a number of blogs, including Roger Ebert's facebook page, and I have been contacted by two different TV shows to do features on me....

And Heather is losing her fucking mind.

I don't blame her, by the way - I'm freaked out too. This is a WAY bigger spotlight than either of us are comfortable with. I mean, yes, I use fake names on my website, I haven't published pics of me in many years, but all the details of my life - the crash, using a wheelchair at work because of back issues, etc... It's all real and might be obvious to anyone who knws me even casually in real life.
Before this happened I wouldn't expect anyone outside of pretender/fetishist circles to stumble across my blog, and if someone I knew put the pieces together, well, it would probably be because they're into the fetish and they probably wouldn't post a threat to my 'secret identity', because I'd have something on them, too. Now, though... my MOM likes Roger Ebert. Everyone I know watches TLC (one of the channels wanting to do a piece on me). I would lose my job if my company found out. I'd lose most of my friends and family if this came out. My weird little existence has been pushed way farther into the open that I expected, and we're kind of freaked out by that.

So that's the deal - I'm going to drop off the radar a bit, I need to talk to Heather about the book - because what if I put it up for sale and, again, it gets picked up by other 'normal' media and the spotlight flips on again? I'm OK, I'm safe, but we're both a little more freaked out by all this stuff than we expected...

Sorry all - stay kinky!