Thursday, August 26, 2010

Blog: My life so far...

My life so far

So I got a good email from a reader, ‘Wishful Wannabe’, asking more about my current situation and what it’s like now to be ‘living the dream’, so I figured I’d do a blog post about it.

First off I want to say that I am NOT a ‘wannabe who finally got her wish’. I’m still very much a pretender, it’s just that now I have the ability to pretend in public, at work, with friends and family, and can get away with it, so it’s definitely wonderful and awesome, but not the ‘nirvana’ of reaching my true wannabe goals. Even after 3 years as a mostly full time wheeler my legs aren’t atrophied and I can still stand up and walk whenever I want to (which isn’t often)

For those that don’t know the story, a little over 3 years ago I was in a car accident with Heather, my partner. It was a serious accident, the car was totaled, but thanks to modern car safety devices we both walked away more or less unscathed – I had a minor sprained wrist and we both had a few minor scrapes and bruises, nothing worse than that. However, I used that accident to say that I ‘hurt my back’ – the eternal generic malady – and that I couldn’t stand or walk for more than a few minutes without considerable discomfort, and only sitting was comfortable for me. Officially I have an issue with ‘chronic back pain’ and am under the care of a chiropractor. Because chiropractors are not covered by my work insurance, there are no red flags or odd questions from work, and since my job is sitting at a desk answering a phone, there’s no need for special adaptive anything – using a wheelchair at work is literally no different than spraining my ankle and needing crutches. It might even be easier to manage than that, actually.

So work has not been an issue – they even let me park in the front handicapped spots, which I don’t worry about since I work nights and they don’t’ get used by anyone else. People were curious and concerned at first, but after 4 or 6 weeks it was just the way things were – I became ‘the woman in the wheelchair’, which is a title I genuinely love . Family has been another matter altogether, however. My mom is somewhat apathetic over the whole thing by now, it’s just ‘the way it is’ and she has a daughter in a wheelchair. Of course to be fair, she has far more issues with her daughter being in a long term relationship with another woman than being ‘disabled’. The chair has been an ongoing issue with one of my aunts, though, who seems to have a deep fear of handicapped people as far as I can tell. If she’s going to be at a family gathering I won’t even go - even after three years she’s still freaking out over the chair and I just don’t want to deal with it. It’s not like she was my favorite aunt, but oddly she was probably the most supportive when I came out as a lesbian, so it’s weird not being on speaking terms with her over a wheelchair…

Heather loves it – she’s always enjoyed me being in my wheelchair and she’s actually thrilled we got into the accident so I could ‘live the dream’ as odd as that sounds. One thing she loves is that, without walking or wearing ‘hard shoes’ my feet are always soft and supple – she’s a hardcore foot fetishist and foot worshipper, so she loves pampering my feet and loves how soft and ‘unused’ they are. She’ll give me pedicures and foot rubs and put soft socks and stockings on for me. If I wear shoes to work she’ll take them off as soon as I get home (assuming she’s still up) and rub my feet or put nice slippers on me. She’s into other disabilities, too – something that she came to terms with after we were together for a while. She really finds blind women sexy. The dark glasses, walking with the white cane, feeling their way through the world. It’s not my cup of tea, to be honest, but I do find it sexy playing blind girl for her sometimes. Being blind is very different from anything else I do and the lack of vision makes things kind of exciting and – sexually – very erotic.
Since she is so into my feet and knows I’m into disabilities, we started playing with me as an arm amputee – either above or below elbow - so I’d still be ‘disabled’ but could use my feet to play with her, use them to try to do things, etc… that has actually become one of the most erotic things we do together – I think because we both find it really erotic for ourselves and we’re not just doing it because our partner likes it, you know?

So it might sound like I have the perfect life for a pretender and wannabe, and in many ways it is, sure. I get to live 95% of my life in my wheelchair and the other 5% I get out of it by choice. But like everyone I think there are things that could still be better and if I had a magic wand and could just make wishes I’d probably make a few changes, sure…

First, I’d really be a para. I love being in my wheelchair, but I have so many fantasies about REALLY being para – my legs numb and lifeless and atrophied, pussy numb, the whole deal. It’s such a strong fantasy for me that just being in my chair sometimes isn’t enough. Sometimes I just want it to be completely real so if I wanted to get up out of this wheelchair, I couldn’t, my legs would just sit there dead and crippled.
Next, Heather would love to pretend or even want to become disabled. The only part of our relationship that I’m not completely thrilled with is that she simply will not pretend for me. Nothing – not crutches, not blind, not amputee, not even a sprained ankle. I get REALLY turned on by other disabled women so this is a drawback – but a MINOR one. In every other way she’s amazing and I lover her with all my heart, but if she’d pretend to be in a wheelchair for me it would be even better…
The last big thing would be money. I know I’ve complained about it before, but I am just broke all the time. I work a pretty dead end job, I’ve been doing it for years and still make less than $14 an hour. That basically pays for my car payment, insurance, and the rest goes to chip into the apartment, utilities, and some day we’d like to have a house together, or at least a condo. A condo seems appropriate for a lesbian couple who are both femme… Can’t really picture Heather swinging a hammer to fix the leaky roof, you know? So with lots more money, I think I’d buy braces, and a new wheelchair, and probably even a power wheelchair since Heather says it would look like I was on a throne…
I do still have a lot of fantasies about being helpless, and darker fantasies about being helpless and abused – something Heather just can’t get into. It’s understandable – not many people can get into that headspace, it’s just a place I like to go in my darker fantasies. But if I had that magic wand I’d probably do something about that – play out more of those fantasies somehow. We tried it once and, well, I guess it didn’t go exactly as I expected, for better or for worse, but believe it or not I still look back on it and get really wet…

So what’s next for me? I’m still writing and trying to put together a good book that people will buy. I have dreams of it becoming a runaway best seller in the devotee/pretender/wannabe market and making me tons of money, but realistically I might make enough for a few new toys, or maybe just get ahead on bills and put some cash into savings. Who knows. But I’ve got to get it done, which is why I haven’t posted much as of late. I’m writing up a storm but it’s all for the book, so I need to go over it again and again to make sure it’s great. Type-os and stuff in my blog are no big deal – it’s free, you get what you pay for. If I’m asking $10 or $15 for a book, I think people would expect it to be well written, properly edited, etc…

That’s all I’ve got for now, but people sending me questions and story ideas are REALLY helping me now, so if you want to make suggestions or ask questions or send me pornographic material, feel free! I love that stuff, I really do!!


  1. Hi Cathy - thanks for sharing your private life with us. Heather sounds like a wonderful partner/lover.

    Would love to catch up again. We seemed to have lost contact and hope it wasn't anything I said/did.

    Tracey x

  2. I would have to say that if you "go deep" into wannabe culture, I am sure there are people who have had "cosmetic paraplegic procedures" done. I remember about "Lisa" from the Yahoo Pretender site years ago who had alcohol injected to give her temporary paralysis and, last I checked some years ago, she still can't use her legs, long after the para-romance-of-it wore off.

  3. have you considered acquiring a injury?, having someone break your back for you?

  4. Hi Cathy, I love your stories, I wrote my own story, called "The Paraplegic Wedding", involving a couple (a L1 girl and her fiance), a vibrator specially designed for paraplegics and a lot os hot scenes... would you like to read it? How can I send it for you?

  5. Would looove to read more about your (too few) blind adventures :)

  6. i am into dark fantasies as well. c-1 quadriplegia, on a vent or an iron lung.