Monday, October 31, 2011

Feeling better, still have a job...

So I guess I was a little out of it last week. I really did start thinking more deeply about the objects of my fascination and desire and feeling pretty awful about it. It was kind of kicked of by a really hateful and ignorant email I got, more fallout from the 'portrait of a pretender' article that completely ignored every point in the article and made me - and all DPW's - sound like a cross between hitler and NAMBLA. It was the exact kind of email I would expect from Tea Party members if Michelle Bachman were in a wheelchair. And before you ask - even in a wheelchair she would still make me vomit....

So where does that leave me? Still feeling pretty crummy, still keeping a low profile. I've gone through a lot of my pictures- well, the ones I have left since Flickr deleted my old profile - and I'm more or less going with pretenders and disabled models who are willing participants in their sexualization now for my masturbatory explorations... Oh, and casts, too. There is a lot more cast fetish, like real hard-core sexual cast fetish, than I realized.

Maybe it's a sign of maturity, maybe it's just me letting all the haters get to me, but if I see a candid pick of a smoking hot girl in a chair, it's not really doing as much for me now. Pretenders and others like Candi still do, however... in a big way.

Thanks to all who sent me nice and kind things, and I'm glad my little meltdown at least made for lively discussion. This isn't a condemnation of anyone out there, it's a personal realization only. Hope I haven't upset or disappointed anyone.


  1. I still say nothing is wrong with it. Looking at pictures of women in wheelchairs is just that... looking. You didn't put them there. You aren't the only thing keeping them there. You are merely finding beauty where not many other people can. So I would say just do what makes you happy. If seeing a candid pic doesn't make you happy anymore, that's understandable. But if it does, then enjoy it for all it's worth.

    If you do find that you want to replace some of what Flickr removed, I can probably help. Email me if you do.

    Congrats on your job, by the way!

  2. Personally, I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. There is nothing wrong with your desires, and I would hope that in their heart every person, regardless of what it is that they enjoy, will know this.

    I'd have to disagree with Billy though, I do think that there is value in considering something more than your personal enjoyment. If you happen across a personal pic or a candid and feel something good, that's fine. There is no shame in feeling as you do, and I can tell you from experience that it is terribly draining to waste your time and energy on that.

    Though if you take or copy that picture, if you 'use' that picture, or if you 'trade' that picture then there is something else going on. Even though it cuts out something like 90% of the material out there, moving to a consensual non-coercive sexual expression is really one of the better things you can do. This helps not only yourself by letting you work with a clear conscience and reduce the incidence of abuse, but in some way you can see this as respecting those women you admire. Yes they are beautiful people who sadly are quite often unaware of what they hold. Though by exercising restraint and considering something more than how it makes you feel you acknowledge them not only for their body, but for the person that they are.

    In this way you rise above mere perversion and paraphilia. You can, for once truly say, with conviction, that you see more than the chair, or the disability, but that you see the person as well. If you truly see the person, you will respect them. Leaving them alone if they wish to be is the most loving act you could make.

    So, don't feel melancholy here. It is hard in many ways to say goodbye to what you once enjoyed, but that you have these feelings and that you have this desire to change shows that you are a human who is truly empathetic, caring, and capable of love. You can see beyond yourself, and this ability reflects itself in your actions.

    Take care,

    - rorschach

  3. Well said, Rorschach.

    And Cathy, I think it sounds like you're growing as a human being and it's wonderful to see. We all have some difficult internal struggles to get through. And sometimes we think we've done it, but the issues come back with even more strength.

    When I get negative emails (which luckily has not happened to me much as of yet), I try to remember that every person has their own relationship with disability and devness. Their opinion about it is NOT more valid than mine.

  4. I was reading where "SexyPara" still gets hate mail even though she has been battling GB since 1997, and was a quad for a while. Some are still convinced she is a pretender. So even people who are really mobility-impaired catch flak from people who have their own definition of disability and acceptance.I do not understand my "devness" or where it comes from, but I make my way from the Alpha to the Omega of life, quietly. Do not get caught in the "Montgomery Clift" trap; a famous actor and gay man in the early '60's who turned others' disdain towards him, towards himself and eventually ended his life at the wrong end of a bottle of scotch. Proceed, clear headed, choose the path of who you are if that is the public side or to remain private and anonymous. If you have an issue that you feel must be presented, do it, but ensure you plan ahead for the "rocks and shoals" of those who do not hold the same opinion.