Thursday, October 27, 2011

I'm a horrible person....

OK, I will preface this by saying I'm kinda drunk. Yeah, it's early afternoon, but I don't fucking care.

I was horny this morning and doing my usual YouTube scan for new para videos, I saw some nice stuff... A new channel with a decent pretender who is almost certainly a guy but I don't care, I want to be crippled, what do I care is he wants to be a chick... it's all good...

so I see this video a few have Favorited about a girl, former soccer player, SCI after a bad fall during a game. I was watching her transferring into her car, stuff like that, and feeling a bit turned on... then I started to really listen, and realized what a shitty ass horrible thing it is that she's paralyzed now. And I was kinda getting off on that. And then I realized how many videos and pics I've gotten off on that are of women who are genuinely hurt and have had their whole lives completely screwed, and I'm totally getting off on it, and I'm just feeling like a really horrible person today... And I'm kinda drunk... And I might be getting laid off...

Fuck it.


  1. I felt the same way the other day. I was watching a video of Katy Hayes (the quadruple amputee), enjoying it and idly thinking about how cute it looks when she gestures with her arm stumps, etc...and of course by the end of the clip she was crying about this terrible ordeal she's been through, and I felt like a horrible creep.

    It's a bit of a dilemma, but I tell myself that lots of people get off on lots of really weird shit that's even less socially acceptable, and it's not like you or I actually wish any harm on anyone (except you on yourself, I suppose). :)

    On a separate note, hope you remain gainfully employed.

  2. i'm with you on this i was watching the same video - i agree with the above post that there are people getting off on much worse things - but all this means is that you are human and capable of feeling empathy


  3. I definitely know that double-edged sword of guilt and pleasure. I am not in control of what my body finds attractive. I reassure myself by saying that I'm not causing anyone pain, but there are moments when that excuse isn't enough to cover the shame.

    I pretty much stick to fictional stories for porn. In other words, I watch Avatar instead of real people. Makes me feel better about myself :-/

  4. I don't feel bad... hell, I watched the same vid a FEW times the other day. I don't see a reason to feel bad. I didn't cause it, and I wouldn't stop them from being cured. I would actually (and I'm positive you would do the same) take their spot if I could.

  5. Some people do indeed "get off" on the suffering, but I don't think that's true for all devotees, and we should be careful not to promote such a false notion. I've had many moments similar to yours though where I see someone who is really suffering and I just can't focus on (what for me are) the erotic elements. It all disappears and I'm left with a really painful moment where all I see someone suffering. It is precisely these moments that led me to begin researching and supporting the disability rights movement.

    It doesn't make you terrible that you feel this way. To begin with you didn't choose it, as far as I know, none of us did. Secondly, you're not willing disability onto anyone. As long as you are exploring your sexuality in a way which is non-coercive, then I don't see any problem.

    With many devotees though that does mean you can't take every video and picture you find. I think this is a key ethical point that is all too often swept under the carpet, and it's about time we had a dialogue about it.

    You need to go through your collection and ask yourself, with each photo, video, etc., "Did s/he intend for this to end up in my possession? Was this consensual? How would they feel if they knew I had this? How would their family feel? Are my actions hurting or potentially causing harm to another person?"

    Sadly it does eliminate the bulk of the material out there, though I personally feel it is a necessary step to take. Once you fully understand how much devotee content you have which is obtained coercively or without consent, you begin to understand how much pain we have actually wrought through selfishness and ignorance.

    It's about something as basic as respect. If someone says, "No.", whether it be when you're both drunk making out in a bar, or if it's Mimi Emery plangently stating and restating that she doesn't want anyone saving, trading, or using her pictures (despite her keeping them available), we have to respect that. For if we don't there in a small form is the soul of sexual assault.

    Indeed she may make them available, but we can not blame her for this. When we blame her for not protecting herself by keeping her photos etc. private, we are engaging in what is called victim blaming. At once we violate her, and then tell her it is her fault for not having done more to protect against it. The fault lies with us and our actions. She shouldn't have to worry about her photos being traded and shared all over the web. We accept it as simply the way things are and thus perpetuate it.

    It's a sobering realization, and one that the law has yet to catch up to, but we must understand that if we truly wish to defend ourselves against an already unfair public and claim a clear conscience, we must act in such way as well. Indeed, simply because something is against the law, that does not make it inherently bad or wrong, and to that same effect we may understand that simply because there is, as of yet, no law in place prohibiting a given behavior, it can not be understood to be good or right.

    Anyway, that's how I feel.

    - rorschach

  6. Once folks release pictures, videos, and the like into the wild there is no protection extended above and beyond what is represented by the medium. For this reason, I don't feel guilty or bad about have a collection of images that I view from time to time. I'll concede that "Yes", the individuals who have placed themselves out there in a public forum for whatever reason did not intended and would more than likely not appreciate that I have these photos. However, I accept this.
    I never asked to have this obsession, I did not wake up one day and randomly decide that I want to be paralyzed, to wear a cast, or have a halo-brace. Unfortunately, as far back as I can remember I was this way, did it evolve, yes, has grown more intense over the years, yes. Although, it seems a part of me, a part of who I am and I don't know why. Do I want it to change? Sure, would I prefer not to have these desires and be "Normal" sure, but what is and who defines normal, and is that any better or less of an issue. Normal people probably have picture or images of people that fantasize about, no complaints there. Well whatever the case, had I choice between loosing this desire or having an actual injury. I would choose the injury, paralysis, amputation, fractures, whatever the injury was I would choose it, and in return determine and live with my decision and become the one in the picture. Paracathy, you're not a horrible person, you're an inspiration... at the very least an for me.

  7. It does not matter that "normal people" also create fake facebook accounts to goad women into adding them as friends so that they can download their pictures and trade them online. At that point it is still coercive sexual exploitation. You are still taking part in it.

    I have seen time and again cases where devotees on every kind of social media site will misrepresent themselves as disabled women so that they may contact disabled women and download and trade their photos etc. It does not matter that you did not make a fake profile, trick a person into adding you, and take their pictures for your own use or to trade. Being a recipient of that carries equal guilt.

    You barely make one weak concession to what I've said, and even then it is only to one obvious fact. You seem to be ignoring the bulk of what I've said and then engaging in a tangential red herring about your feelings as what sounds like a wannabe. What I have said applies whether you are a wannabe or not. This was never mentioned or implied in my argument.

    I'm not sure if you actually understood what I wrote above, or if you are simply willfully ignoring it so you can hide from the consequences of your actions and masturbate in peace.

    - rorschach

  8. First although, my response appears to be a rebuttal to yours, it is not I was stating my view and explaining my feelings towards PC's previous posting.

    However, since you obviously feel this is the case. I do disagree with your use of the worst case scenario which, represents a small contingency of a community as foundation to assert your judgment above. I don't condone nor support, those individuals who harass, mislead and abuse people on the internet, either abled or disabled. Although, it is my opinion that the this is the minority of the community, and that the majority do not engage in these activities. Furthermore, the reason why I ignored "the Bulk" of what you were saying was because I did not care and was not replying to you.

    Nonetheless, this is the beauty of the internet and the world for that matter, we can disagree and have our views on this subject despite what we each may feel to be correct. So have a great day/evening/afternoon, and continue to enjoy dolling your judgement around, since you're obviously infallible. This is stated, since your "Anyways this is how I feel" closing, is followed up with a defensive tirade in your previous posting.

  9. Fine.

    My question is how you feel this is ok.

    "Once folks release pictures, videos, and the like into the wild there is no protection extended above and beyond what is represented by the medium. For this reason, I don't feel guilty or bad about have a collection of images that I view from time to time."

    That's clearly victim blaming.

    - rorschach

  10. I feel on both sides with this one. On the one hand, if someone is going to put pictures up on the Internet, she or he does lose control over how those pictures are used. I've said before, I'm certain that there are people masturbating to my pictures of my hair that I post to keep track of its growth. No matter what kind of picture you post, there's someone getting turned on by it. Such is life.

    On the other hand, I don't want to cause anyone unhappiness or uncomfortablness. Therefore, I choose to not use pictures or videos that were put on the web to help others with disabilities, not intending for it to be used as porn. I feel that this is simply the right thing to do.

    Even though there is no protection for the people putting up the pictures, that doesn't mean that we should necessarily give ourselves the freedom to do whatever we want with them. There are still human beings attached to every one of those pictures and I want to respect them and their intention with their images.